I really dislike using my blog as a diary. Sometimes I feel as though I complain too much when I should be posting about how beautiful the snow looks or this amazing recipe I tried last night. However, one of the reasons I started my blog was so that one day I could look back at the amazing and sometimes complicated life I was living. So I want to be honest, for myself and maybe for another girl who stumbles across this little corner of cyber space and feels the way I do. When I look back I want to remember everything. From the margarita’s I enjoyed to the days I spent thinking just a little bit too much.
More often than not, I look to my friends for advice and wait for them to say “you’re not crazy” in order to feel better. I have received that line more than once in the past week but for some reason it’s not working. I am equal parts strong and independent as I am weak and vulnerable. A bad thing? No- at least I hope not anyway. I find myself struggling to find a line between taking care of myself and making decisions that are best for me, without any concern for anyone else.
I just can’t draw that line.
For months I have been wondering. Wondering if I could do something more, dress a little better, market myself in a more exciting fashion, seem more interesting, anything. I think, and I say this with uncertainty, but I think I have finally found my way through what seemed like this never ending maze.
When I first began nothing could have stopped me. I hit road blocks and ignored many many warnings to be careful and not invest too much into completing this maze too quickly. There were warnings that I was rushing, warnings that I may get stuck in the middle with no way out and warnings that there could be two endings. One of which would be nothing but disappointment. I still hit the ground running. I was chasing after a feeling I had never had before. The most natural and exciting thing I could have ever imagined. Never wanting to lose this feeling, I made decisions that weren’t typical of me and gave everything I could because it felt so right at the time. I needed to make sure I did everything I could to finish the maze in the manner I wanted to with the result I wanted.
I don’t regret the decisions I made that were outside of my comfort zone. I wanted something and I went for it.
Somewhere in the middle it got a little rocky. There were more dead ends than there were clear paths to run through. I hit walls of disappointment I never thought I would see. While my run slowed drastically, I kept this little bit of hope gleaming. My thoughts clouding my rational judgement. If something felt so easy and happened so seamlessly there has to be a reason for that right? A pathway can’t just crumble, leaving nothing behind without so much as a heads up. A clear road can’t just keep me trapped with dead ends and walls. Right? Well, I don’t know. I definitely had “what the hell am I doing” moments but I kept going. I so desperately wanted to finish the maze. I wanted to know what could and would happen on the other side.
Unfortunately, mazes don’t come in black and white. They come in a million different colors. All of the colors Crayola has to offer as a matter of fact. Which means there is no answer.
You see, the feeling that I was so desperately running toward at the beginning was no longer in my reach. It wasn’t something I, or anyone else for that matter, had any control over, it just disappeared with no indication as to when it would be back. I was frozen in time reliving moments and thoughts. Wondering if things would be the same when I was able to reconnect and start running again.
Now, here I am and that feeling is back in my reach. I have yet to finish the maze. While I don’t want to give up completely, I want to determine how I get to the end and which end I choose. I am finding more paths than I am finding dead ends but there is one major obstacle I can’t climb, jump or crawl under. It stand’s there waiting for me to figure out how to break through. It is finding and holding onto the feeling that I so loved at the beginning.
Even though I haven’t finished the maze, I already won a prize. I know who I am and I know what I want. I have accomplished more than I thought I could and I’m watching my dreams come together before my eyes. When I finally finish the crazy maze I find myself in, it will be on my terms. (I will totally let you know whenever that may be. Hopefully sooner rather than later.)
Now, I know I can overcome obstacles and take care of myself. I also know there is a potential to feel as though I can take over the world, and I want it. So even when I’m feeling lost, I know I’m stronger than ever before. When the time is right, I will finally break through the final obstacle. Until then my head has settled back into reality, my thoughts have slowed down and just like that, I’m living. Only now, I’m doing it for me.